Shayne's Day #21: The one with the full house

As I sit down to write this, I can only pray to find the words that adequately describe the scene that look place in our flat yesterday. I have two regrets: 1. That I didn't get the whole day on video and 2. That Jake was at work and can't testify to the comedy himself. If you haven't already guessed it - it was cable guy day!

Before we begin, let me provide a key for you:

Ado – Cable guy

Trevor – Maintenance man

Paul – Landlord

Venice – Landlord’s assistant

Middle Eastern Man # 1 – Self explanatory

Middle Eastern Man #2 – Self explanatory

* 7:00 am - alarm goes off. The fun begins.

Sidenote: If you are just now joining our blog, let me bring you up to speed: We have been in our flat for 7 days and so far, we have a leak in our bathroom that spews SOIL all over the floor, we have run out of hot water on three occasions, and last night, our plumbing just stopped working all together.

* 7:01 - Jake stops-up the bath tub, turns on the faucet to high power, and climbs back into bed.

* 7:50 - Alarm goes off again. Jake gets out of bed and proceeds to bathe in the 3/4 inch of water that has accumulated in the last 49 minutes. He heads out the door. I rinse in the 3/4 inch of water that he just used. Manic, Manic Monday.

* I walk down to Sainsbury Local and purchase huge black trash bags, tape, and scissors (no, I was not planning to bury a body in the bathroom soil).

* I come home and wrap all of our suitcases in said trash bags.

* I wait for the cable guy (He, of course, is supposed to arrive between 10 and 2. I was planning to see him at 4).

* There is a knock on the door. It’s Ado. I let him in, make small talk, and he gets to work.

* My phone rings. I run to the street level (no service in our flat!). Paul says, “Don’t let Ado do anything till Trevor is there!” Wait – Trevor is coming?

* I yell, “STOP!” to Ado. I call Venice and let her know about the shower. I am on my way back down. Phone rings. I go back up. It’s Paul. “Your shower is broken?” he asks (Venice must have passed along the message). Paul continues, “Trevor will fix it!” I say, “I think we need a plumber.” He says, “Trevor can do it.” Here is what I picture.

* I run back down and tell Ado to wait for Trevor. Ado asks, “How long?” I run back up and call Venice. She says, “Within the hour.”

* I run back down (you get the idea!) Ado says he can’t wait. My phone rings. It’s Paul. Ado grabs the phone and runs up. Ado is yelling at Paul. Ado returns and says Paul won’t let him drill a hole in the wall.

* Ado yells and complains to me for 20 minutes about the British people and how they just walk all over you. I say, “Are you not British?”

* Knock at door. It’s Trevor (thank God!). Ado shows Trevor where he needs to poke the hole. Trevor says he can’t because it seems our flat flooded before we moved in and they just rebuilt the entire living room. Fantastic. Ado starts yelling at Trevor and gathers his stuff to leave (there is, mind you, still wires and cords all over the living room).

* Phone rings. It’s Paul. I run to the street. Paul asks if Ado can STEAL the phone line from another electrical company that has already installed their service to our building. This would avoid the hole drilling. I run down.

*Ado says, “No (surprise, surprise) because he will get fired.” Paul asks, “Can he do it anyway?” Now we are all on the street level. Ado is yelling to Paul on the phone, Trevor is yelling at Ado, Paul is just a screaming voice coming from the phone – like, full Charlie Brown teacher voice.

*Ado runs downstairs and is abruptly gathering his stuff and yelling, “I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS!” I am yelling, “PLEASE – I NEED INTERNET!” Knock at door.

*Standing there is a VERY large Middle Eastern man in a turban. I look at him. He says, “I am the plumber.” Wait – who called a plumber? He says, “I hear you have no hot water.” I realize this is the plumber someone called 4 days ago. I say, “Well, now we have NO water.”

* I take Middle Eastern Man #1 to the bathroom as Ado storms out of the house.

* I come back to the living room and find our front door wide open and Trevor hosing down our front stoop. There is a ton of water spraying into our house.

* I say, “What are you doing?!?” He says he needs to clean out the unit before I can store suitcases in there. I close the door to stop the flood.

* I hear yelling outside. Ado is back.

* Knock at door. I open the door to find Ado and Trevor yelling about the hole and another Middle Easter Man (no turban, but in an ARMANI SUIT!).

* I just stand there and try not to laugh out loud. Middle Easter Man #2 says, “I am the plumber.” Now, I laugh.

* I take Middle Easter Man #2 to meet Middle Eastern Man #1. We walk into the bathroom for the introduction and they see each other, smile, embrace, and start talking in another language. I shrug and walk out to mediate the fight on our patio.

* As I walk down the hallway, I realize I no longer hear yelling. “Oh no,” I think, “Ado is gone again.”

* Instead, I find both men in our living room sitting on the sofas. Trevor says to me, “Love, would it be possible for us to get some tea and biscuits.” I am not kidding. It seems a peace treaty has been signed.

* I go back to the kitchen and make tea and put together a tray of biscuits. Yes, I had both items in our flat. You can poke fun at any time.

* Thirty minutes later, I had hosted my first British tea party for the cable guy, maintenance man, and two plumbers.

* Now with the relaxed atmosphere, everyone is working together. It was like Seasame Street. Middle Eastern Men #1 and #2 finished the bathroom. Trevor helped Ado find a place to drill a hole. Paul called to apologize to Ado. Trevor cleaned out the unit and stored our suitcases. Trevor and Ado exchanged phone numbers (seriously, this happened. I supplied the paper). Ado left. Trevor says, “What a nice bloke!” I just smile.

* With the tea working wonders, Trevor offered to stay and run the TV cord under our carpet so you couldn't see it. In the process, he also fixed the broken TV stand.

* By 4:30, everyone was gone. I took a shower – yay – and waited for my wonderful husband to come home and hear the story.

* Manic, manic Monday.

Lesson Learned: 1) When things get a little rowdy, serve tea.